Ugh! Hang in there…they can’t all be this bad, right?

He could of at least Paid For Your Hot Cocoa.

Why on earth should he have to pay for your drink?

You seem to sort of dwell on who opened your car door…who held the door for you…who treated you to what…who’s tall enough for you.

A lot of time spent sweating really inconsequential things.

Some people just don’t get it. I meant Pox, not you.

Bad dates H? We’ve all had them. I well recall 2 special memorable dates from my undergrad days. I love Jazz. I was in Boston for part of my undergrad studies. Naturally, like any student, I was broke. Still I’d win concert tickets all the time off of the classical/NPR/Jazz radio stations there. (Yes, this was back in the day, right? And it was never ‘we’ll take the 10th caller’ either, it was name that composer & composition!) I had won back to back weekends worth of tickets to several concerts played in the same club. On short notice, for the first concert gig I could not find anyone to go with me, so I asked a buddy of mine who liked music. I think I also chipped in for his chips & a soda on the way there, ’cause there was no way I was buying anything at those inflated club prices. The club was real fancy, the award winning Jazz orchestra was huge and famously very loud & raucous. They barely fit on the stage. We got great seats right next to the stage, so close I could wipe the sweat off their instruments. My buddy worked the evening shift at one of the famous Boston tourist chowder houses, and he had just gotten off of work. There we were digging the music, which was 110db blowing full in our faces, but still simply fantastic. After the first set, I turned to my buddy to remark on the great set to see him sound asleep, head in his hands, but a smile on his face. Such a lightweight! He enjoyed it (he said), but slept through much of the noise. Even 4 ft from the stage. Me, I never even got to 2nd base, and had to wake him up to walk home. But it was an very enjoyable concert just the same.

The 2nd week out the same tony club had a famous Jazz trio in. They were even more avant garde than the first band, but smaller and generally played a quieter brand of stuff. I asked a nice Jewish lass from LI out to the place. Since we were walking or taking the T [street car/subway] I even left my glasses behind to try and impress her. Things were going well until she turned to me and whispered loudly, ‘J, the drummer is playing hubcaps!’ I smiled and said it must be some special cymbals he had made for the group, they sounded awfully good, and well, very unhubcap like. She insisted she was right, we were close enough for her to see, but me, I could only barely make out the drum set-up. So the 1st set being over I crept forward to the stage and there when I was practically on top of the percussion set up did I finally see it, the unmistakable impression of ‘Cadillac, Chevy, Ford…’. I slunk back to the table to confirm her suspicions, that #1 I was nearly blind w/o my glasses, and that #2 ‘ordinary’ hubcaps were indeed being dragged around with them while touring. Needless to say, she was less than impressed, and giggled for the rest of the night. Still it was a good concert.

Later on I would take my future wife out to one of these same venues using similar free tickets won for a Blues concert in Cambridge. We still enjoy going to Blues concerts BTW, but to this day, she’ll insist that it ‘was not a date’. True to form, she also has been known to fall asleep during concerts too. So even though I’m married, well I’m not quite done with my ‘less than satisfactory’ dating! There now, doesn’t that amke you almost feel warm & fuzzy & sorry for us geezers? Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’

Geewitz:

My point is that there seems to be some evidence of a “princess complex” at work here. (We saw it at the time of her birthday some while back, as well.)

I think you’re the one not getting it. Or are you suggesting that Hilary’s outlook is bringing her success (in the form of her desired results)?

Sometimes, one isn’t well-served by a chorus of “You go, girl! Boys suck!” and so forth.

Don’t do it with Jdate!!!!

I don’t get it though - he has met you before, and he said hi and walked right past you? wierd!?!

as far as these commenter’s arguments go - Hilary is picky, but she has the right to be! She’s not going to be happy with someone if she’s ignoring things that bug her. I don’t think that a guy needs to open your car door, or pay for the date, but he should have at least offered, on a first date, to pay for a 2 dollar drink.

As for the part about him calling you twice to confirm - if the first time was more than a day or two earlier then I think it’s fair enough. He may have been nervous about getting stood up, and if he hadn’t called to confirm at all, you would have been annoyed. I’m sure there is some sort of balance there, but I think the resulting bad date probably annoyed you more than him calling too much….

PS - Hils fam - April 2nd guys - I have a set date!!! hope to see all of you very very soon!!!

1) Dude’s a dork from Dorkland. Probably drives a Dorkmobile.

2) The not paying for the cocoa is simply a confirmation of #1, above. It’s part and parcel of his dumbass questions and cluelessness/rudeness.

3) Some of my most gorgeous, brilliant, successful female friends are far pickier than H. Nearly all are married/engaged/seriously involved. Most are in their 40’s and 50’s. What’s my point? My point is that settling sucks because you know you’ve settled. And if you settled at 25 or 30, you are more than likely divorcing at 45 or 50.

4) Finally, the gorgeous, brilliant, etc. friends are are not seriously involved/committed don’t seem the worse for it. They’re usually making mucho bucks, have a zillion friends, and call all their own shots. They’re the women I hold up as examples to my teenage daughter.

In conclusion, by the time you reach your early 30’s, you should have sense enough to figure pretty quickly (45 minutes or so) if this is a guy you want to see again. If you don’t have that much sense by that age, you probably should hold off on dating.

Separately, what would possess a person to refer to him/herself — even anonymously — as “Pox”?

#3 …OMG! Too funny. And weird.

Oh. And I agree with everyone who disagreed with Pox. You have every right to be bothered by the non-OFFER of paying for your hot chocolate. It was the OFFER, not the payment, that was key. And you have every right to be choosy. You know what you like and what you don’t like — why should you SETTLE for someone who doesn’t make the grade? I know that you’re smart enough to realize that nobody is perfect, and you’ll have to put up with SOME shtick (everyone has SOME), but if there are some things — from the get-go — that are dealbreakers, you’re wise to know it from the start.

Pox! Listen up! Possession of social skills is not an “inconsequential” thing. One small gaffe (either the uber-confirmation OR the cocoa stinginess OR the lack of listening) would be OK. But all of them? Plus the weird questions?

Hilary has a very active social life, into which this guy would not fit. Discerning this makes her neither picky nor princess-y.

Thinking back to my dating days, sometimes you just have that gut feeling before the date, not necessarily based on anything specific, that it is not going to work, “it” just isn’t there. Sounds like the case here. Always trust your gut!! Even if he had paid for the hot choc (which would have been nice) and not called the second time, “it” just was not there. Good luck, it will happen

and here I thought it was just me:)
I had my first speeddating date a few weeks ago and he also a) didn’t pay for my drink and b) kept asking me how many other matches I got/what I thought of the other guys etc.
Sorry it didn’t turn out better-but at least you’re not the only one.

Yick. That sounds like a painful waste of time…boooooooo.

Oy, Hil, I’m on your side. And Jess, did you go out with the same guy as Hil?

Guy sounds like a loser, and not PAYING (offering isn’t good enough. He should pay.) is proof of that. Is it possible that you and Jess went out with the same guy?

since I live in Canada and the guy was prob 10 years younger than Hil’s guy, no not the same one. That means there is more than one of these fine speciments out there:P

You need to start dating Kiwis, they’re fabulous. LA has the largest collection of them outside of New Zealand!

If I was experiencing numbers 1 & 2 I would have just canceled.

Also, I don’t know the speed dating etiquette but I assumed that the meeting of matches was sort of a “lets talk and see if we want to go on a date”. I’m making assumptions because I haven’t done speed dating but could he have been unsure as to the status of the meeting?

Sounds like his preferel (sp?) vision is off. I wonder about the Jdate thing too. I hope the cocoa was good at least.

Curious: did you ever offer to pay for his drink?

If I called him on the phone and asked him out for coffee, I would have offered to pay.

This guy doesn’t sound like he’s worth your time. I do hate terms like picky, settling, and high standards. We should all have one standard, that the person is someone we can see ourselves falling for. There has to be chemistry and attaction. That shouldn’t be any different at 35 or 45 than it was at 25. I know people who “settled” in their 30’s. They got married not because this was the greatest guy/girl to come along, but because he/she was nice enough and wanted him/her. If the only person who will marry me is someone I’m not in love with, I’ll never get married. If those standards are too high, then so be it. If those are H’s standards, then she shouldn’t change them.

Picky is a double-edged sword. If you’re letting minor things influence your decision, you’ll pass up a good guy. Only big things should matter. But if it doesn’t feel right, run. If you know he isn’t the guy, then he isn’t the guy.

As I’ve said a zillion times before, in my experience, you might not always know when it’s a “yes” right away, but you pretty much always know when it’s a “no”.

Sorry.

Wanting A Boy to Offer To Buy your $2.20 Cocoa = Not Princess Complex.

Wanting A Boy to Buy That $1200 Louis Vuitton Handbag = Princess Complex.

Which reminds me: I would Really Like That $1200 Louis Vuitton Handbag for Valentine’s Day.

Oy.

JDate, E Harmony, speeddating. Whatever. My theory is: throw enough shit against the wall, eventually something will stick. Yeah, totally romantic, huh?

Dawn: Maybe he just, I dunno, believed in gender equality?

G: But the person who ASKS for the date should OFFER to pay, no? I mean, if Hilary had been the one to ask him out, she would have offered to buy his. Y’know what I mean?

Ehh, they met at a speeddating class where they were a mutual match.

I think the whole “who asks for the date should offer to pay” thing is made up by women uncomfortable with the sexist implications of insisting that men should always pay.

But in reality, women rarely ask for dates and so rarely offer to pay.

For the record I always offer to pay, at least for the first couple dates. It is better than offending someone. Some girls expect you to pay, while others won’t let you. Either way it is not a big deal.

I am curious how many women here regularly ask men out for dates and if they offer to pay, and if so what they think of the guys that accept their offer.

G: I totally understand your thinking. You’re right — many (most?) women won’t ask a man out. For the record, though, I always offered to split the bill. (Until I got married — now it’s moot.)

If you met him at speeddating, how could he not recognize you at said meeting place? i’m so confusED.

I absolutely love reading your blog.