At the risk of killing the vibe, can we add “you know you’re a tourist when…” comments about our own cities as well? I live in Toronto. We only jaywalk and insist on wearing flip flops as long as humanly possible. Here, that means October.

I am totally printing this off and sticking it in my pocket for October. (Yes, I’m still coming and yes, I still hope to meet you)

You know they are a tourist when they stand in the MIDDLE of Gower taking pics of the Hollywood sign. Hey, even us locals like a good shot, but must you stop traffic?

RE: Convertibles/shorts: People who have been living here for several years still do this, even when the temperature drops below 70. It’s 65 here on the Westside, but I still drove home from work with my windows down and my roof open. And I’m in shorts right now with all my windows open in my apartment and a fan to blow in the outside air. Once an East Coaster, always an East Coaster — and we don’t do long-sleeves until it hits 60. Hell, I used to go out to get the morning paper in only a bathrobe & flip-flops when it was 25 degrees outside.

RE: Turning left when the light changes: Because these cars have inched out into the intersection in a vain attempt to cut a break in traffic, they have to turn when the light goes red because otherwise they’ll block the box. Also because if they don’t go then, they’ll never get a chance to turn. However, I’m disturbed by the recent trend of three cars to turn when the light goes red, which is just way rude and cutting into the opposite lanes’ green-light time.

I love this list. I especially enjoyed the 20 minute reference with ‘without traffic’ added. LOL. I still catch myself saying this to visiting family members. As for the flip flops, heck, they’re a mandatory part of the LA uniform.

This is one of your best posts ever… and a necessary service for the City of LA. What is up with those Chrysler Sebring convertibles?

Some Things to know about my ‘hood, in no particular order:

1.) That big beefy looking guy over there? Yep, he’s a pro wrassler. Try not to stare or get into a fight with him. They’ve got a ‘training school’ nearby. (Hulk Hogan hangs out there occasionally too).

2.) Those big bangs at night, and that constant low rumble? It’s the trains. You’ll get used to them. Just take the over pass out of town, otherwise there’s a train about every 15 min on average during the day through town. Seriously.

3.) Yeah, they named a big concrete Hwy. bridge after that mad sniveling peckerwood racist Gov. Lester Maddox. As his recent obit said, ‘He was quite not as bad as expected’. Remember this is high praise in the South. We done better than ‘Bama or MS. WooHoo!

4.) Yep, that Big Mouth of the South ‘Libertarian’ Lawyer & all around poseur Neal Boortz used to write all the fancy words that Crazy Lester would say, as his speech writer. A finer into into talk radio ranting can not be imagined. Yes, he’s been very successful since then. And yes, Zell used to be his Lt. Gov. That was his start in politics. Explains a few things, don’t it?

5.) Yes, that farmer/neighbor left his tractor/car/semi like that out in the field awhile back in ‘49/’62/’74/’85 and just walked away. He just hated them K cars with a passion too. Never bought an American car again.

6.) Yes, that cute muddy teen honey just left her lit cig on the window ledge before ducking into that Cowboy’s for a 6 pack of Beer. She was trying to be polite. She’ll pick it up on the way out.

7.) No, it does not really matter what the speed limit is. If your car is incapable of a sustained 88 MPH, or if you’re unwilling to take the speed, you’re going to be run over Everywhere down here.

8.) No you can not ‘draft’ Semi’s like they do in NASCAR. You can do this with a car, but only in extreme circumstances.

9.) No we can’t drive in the rain/snow/sleet/ice. If we could we’d still be up North!

10.) Yes, no mater where you want to go across town, it’ll take at least 20 min to get there. Longer if you’re stuck behind a hay wagon/semi/animal trailer on the back roads.

11.) No, there’s really no bookstore as such in town. Strangely the nearest one is really about 25 Mi. away in almost every direction. We don’t know why.

12.) Yes, pickled pigs feet on the counter of a grocer or corner store is a bit of a tradition. Ditto for the pickled eggs, and pickles.

13.) Your waitress? Most likely from the local HS. Keep your hands off of her! Her daddy eats here regularly.

14.) That old guy in the corner with his burger & fries & grits with gravy? He’s a regular. Been coming here since ‘57. That’s why when he sits a spell out front sunning himself he seems to know everyone passing by. Yes, on most days he can eat 2 meals here for under $10-12, depending if he tips. That’s really rare as he lives in a boarding house. For the past 20 years.

15.) That slow talking tall southern gent who dresses like a hobo from the 60’s & drives a decent looking but 12+ year old car you see downtown at some of the Cafe’s? He’s one of the town’s Millionaires. We’ve got some of the strangest looking rich folks, well this side of Beverly Hills.

16.) Yeah, any fool can get you some genuine Civil War bullets if you ask in the right places. And yes, we still have very old explosive shells lying around buried in open fields. It can be hazardous to try and demine these at home in your basement. The new neighbors get antsy.

That’s probably enough, and I’ve done this before so there’s other versions of same way back here someplace. Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’

You know you someone is a tourist in LONDON when:
1. They stand on the left side of the escalator!!!! Oh my god, this is the most annoying thing ever and they are running serious risk of getting shouted at!

2. They talk to strangers on the tube - you just don’t go there!

It’s been a while since I lived out there, but somehow I doubt this has changed: Buddy, just leave the Mickey Mouse ears / Goofy hat at the hotel, okay?

As to the jay-walking, here in Denver it’s treated as some kind of right. I’ve watched people on the 16th Street Mall actually stand at a CORNER while the sign says walk. Only when the Red Hand comes up do they decide they need to be over there RIGHT NOW. Nutty people are everywhere. (and yes, I’m one of the nuts that drove the Sebring convertible last year, top down on an overcast day)

Having just returned from a visit to LA, let me add another instruction to tourists/new residents: when referring to a highway, insert THE before the number. It’s THE PCH, THE 6, THE 405. (In the East Coast, there’s no “THE”. We just say “Take Rte 9 to …)

To add to Elise’s London list…

You know someone is a tourist in London when they have to read which way to look, off the side walk, before crossing the road.

Also, the standing on the left side of ANY escalotor (not just the tube) in London is warrent to get a yelling.

Dori, tsk tsk. It’s a FREEWAY not a HIGHWAY. But you were close, and…uh, for whatever reason, it’s just “PCH” not “the PCH”. But it is “the 405″. Yeah I know, we make no sense.

Actually, people in Buffalo say “the” before the name of the road too…except in these parts, it’s THRUWAY, not freeway OR highway. This practice baffled and mystified me for a while. Not to mention that the roads all have different names than their actual names. Example:

“Take the mainline south to the Kensington, then take the Scajaquada” translates to “Take I90 south to Route 33, then take route 198.”

It’s not enough to learn the alternate names, because they are completely interchangeable with the numbers. The alternate names almost never appear on signs. I always use the numbers when giving directions. I do now put “the” in front of the number, though.

Hil, I think that’s because PCH is a highway and not a freeway

(OK, so that doesn’t *really* make much more sense…)

As a recent transplant from Chicago these are very helpful hints. I have recently amazed myself by wearing jeans the other day when it was 85 here–something that would be unheard of in Chicago in the summer. I fear that soon I will be cold at 70 or below. I’m trying to fight these changes but I hear there is no hope!

Amandarin: Most of the highways in SoCal are free (hence the name “freeway”), I think the 73 down in Orange County is the only tollway around.

Another rule: The area of Southern California is referred to as “The Southland.” I still have no explanation for that.

Oh this made me laugh.

all true except for the restaurant server having a degree from a very expensive university. my experience is you’re lucky to get waited on by someone who has a high school degree. I dont want to cast aspersions on the entire restaurant service industry in this town, but, man, are so many of these people DUMB. I’ve had waitresses who had never heard the term “cutlery” before (she handed me crayons. I shit you not). or didnt understand what we meant by a salad being “overdressed.” its my one constant frustration eating out in this town.

Awesome, awesome post!

Brilliant. As an avid jogger, let me add: Just because I look like I know where I’m going (because I’m racing there on foot) yet going slower than your rented Sebring, don’t pull up next to me and ask for directions. I’m saving my breath for this running thing I’m doing here, not to tell you where the Chinese theatre is. Ask the guy in the Escalade who tried to run me over.

Asking to be seated in the non-smoking section is also a problem.

Usually the whole restaurant is then made aware that you’re not from California.

OK, Californians … now that my freeway/highway thing has been addressed, I have another question. Does anyone actually refer to the state affectionately as “Cali”? What about “So-Cal/No-Cal”?

I never say Cali. And I usually say Southern California and Northern California instead of So Cal and No Cal.

I miss Cali….NY is no Cali…

you are awesome. I love the Clueless/it takes 20 minutes to get everywhere - thing. And if yor guests need to see a lame celebrity, send them to the Ivy or Kitson - based on Access Hollywood you’d think these places were housing communities, there’s always some random celebrity around there. A Hilary Swank sighting exciting - I can’t imagine anything more uninteresting.

I think the only people who say “so cal” are newscasters. I’ve never heard it called “cali” outside of the song “Goin’ Back to Cali.”

I just spent Labor Day weekend in Santa Monica and I heard ALL about those jaywalking tickets! Haha!

Nobody jaywalks in LA? Nobody WALKS in LA either. Jeez…the traffic is utterly heinous!!!!

It seemed like all the waiters were men - what’s up with that?

I saw Zach Braff in the airport and I didn’t gawk

Los Feliz is always Loss Feelis to LA natives. Nothing screams tourist or newbie like pronouncing it the “right” way.

An hour-long commute to work is considered totally normal.

Everybody that has to drive The Hill to get to work has a scientific strategy for when to switch back and forth between Sepulveda and the 405.

As someone who just recently LEFT Los Angeles, this list made me giggle far too loudly in my office!! Fantastic!!
There’s a website out there that’s called “You know you’re from [insert city] when…” (or something to that effect) that lists about 50 unique/funny/annoying things about L.A. - try to find it, you’ll just die!!

lol. . .this site is hilarious! I’m glad I came across it!

Rain
You’d think nails were falling from the sky with how cautious drivers are. But then again, you’d think they’d build the roads to drain the water off! During the Industrial Revolution is when they realized putting curvature in roads kept the water from pooling.

I’m from the Bay Area and now live in WeHo. I agree with you 100%. Now one of these comments, I have to say…You much not be from California or you’re a douche: it’s NORCAL not NOCAL. I cannot stress that enough. By the way ROSIE, EVERYONE IN WEST HOLLYWOOD WALKS, HAVE YOU EVER OPENED YOUR EYES WHEN DRIVING THROUGH? It may enlighten you

PS, I meant MUST not MUCH, thanks…