Look, he might do all the right things, but that doesn’t mean he’s the guy for you. Nice if he was. If he isn’t, move on.

Whether or not it goes anywhere, it’s nice (and refreshing) to have good dates with a good guy. But by the third or fourth date, if you’re not feeling anything, you’re well within your rights to tell him you think he’s great, he’s just not for you. And you know that you’ve given him an honest chance. And you know that a nice, normal guy is interested in you, which is always good.

Have fun tonight, Ms. Social Butterfly!

I completely agree. If you have to try too hard, it’s probably not right. I have so been there.

Dang. No magic. I know what you mean. We’ve all been there, right?

I met a younger guy on Yahoo personals (land of losers?), and he had no upper teeth! OMG. He broke up with a woman a few months ago and she kept his teeth. OMG. What were they doing OUT in the first place?! I couldn’t get past this. He was cute and sweet and yet, I couldn’t imagine kissing GUMS.

Thought you guys might get a laugh out of that one. It’s almost as bad as the man with one foot. He decided there was no chemistry between us after the first date.

Life goes on.

Hang in there Hil! And good luck tonight. May he be normal, cute, smart, and most importantly, may there be chemistry!

Ditto to what AL said. Good luck tonight. I hope you have a wonderful time, because you deserve it.

Yup, I agree with the others. Ya can’t force the chemistry.

And good luck with your date tonight!

Isn’t it A Sad Comment On Society that when we women meet A Really Nice Guy, we think we need to go out with him just because Really Nice Guys are So Rare?

Take a cue from me, Hilary, and hold out for A Really Nice Guy who you Totally Dig. Trust me, he is out there for you.

Sorry Hil, but I disagree with you and all the above comments. A really nice guy deserves more of your time. Often the chemistry comes when you learn more about the guy. When you find out more about him and what makes him tick, the chemistry will possibly develop. Your Dad and I did not feel chemistry at the beginning…actually, not until we got to know each other. And, as you know, we dated 2 years, engaged 1 year and married 37!!! It can happen that way too. When you fall in love with the inside…the outside chemistry will come!!!

MOM

Hil’s Mom: I’m going to have to disagree with you, sorry. If you don’t feel chemistry on the inside, you can’t force it, and it sounds like Hilary doesn’t even feel that. Great, so he’s a nice guy — that doesn’t make him charismatic (even if it’s only to Hilary), and trying to make chemistry only makes you feel more guilty because you spend more time with the other person trying to make it work, which leads them on and makes it harder to break things off when you finally decide it’s not going to happen for you.

I know within minutes if there’s chemistry, nice person or not. And if I *want* to like the person, I’ll give it a couple of dates to see whether or not anything develops, but 99% of the time, it doesn’t. And I’m not going to lead someone on and “get to know them” when my initial instincts about someone usually pan out — that’s how people can get stuck in loveless marriages, because you feel like they’re nice and you *should* like them. It’s a waste of both of our times, and it just makes it worse when the inevitable breakup occurs.

I kind of agree with both Hil’s mom and Keith. I would give it another date or two, especially if you like him. Sometimes that first kiss is really weird, and something happens after. And I do agree that chemistry is important and that you can’t force it, or I could have been married twice over by now. But you can give it a chance to emerge without necessarily becoming stuck in a loveless marriage. Still, obviously, your dating life, your instincts rule supreme.

Forgive me for being blunt, but I can’t believe that someone as perceptive as you, with extensive life experiences, sound like a Jane Austen character, expecting sparks to fly from a kiss.
“chemistry” is synonymous with infatuation - the other side of it being showing up in the high rate of divorces. A good friendship builds a stable, life-long relationship.
It seems to me that you’re developing a romanticized, Disney(Hollywood?) notion of what should happen when you meet The One. And even when you meet a nice guy, of whom you speak only positively, you’re unwilling to develop a friendship. Are you afraid that if you settle down, you’ll be missing something even better down the road? Why are you distracting yourself by dating in parallel?
“Compromise” is a taboo word when speaking about “love”; think of “friendship” in lieu.

I gotta add my vote to the Mom & Luc column. Core values and good manners can’t change; chemistry can. If he’s got good values and manners, give him some more time. Chemistry may happen when he tells you how distractingly pretty you are, how he hasn’t thought about anything else since your fist date, how his friends at work notice he’s different. Chemistry can come from intimacy of language, not just half a second of lips touching. Don’t move on yet.

PS: Being a newcomer/stranger here, I must congratulate you on having a mom who reads your blog. That says something pretty great about both of you.

Wow…I agree with a lot of previous posts…but I think I agree most with Esther. Your Mom & Keith both make very valid points. You also know that I didn’t see any future with the hubby right away…he was “the nice guy.” But…our first kiss sealed the deal.

You’re in a tough spot right now. How do you feel when he asks you out? Do you dread it and want to say no because you’re really not into him, or do you think that maybe another date could change things? I think what you’re feeling at that moment might give you some insight.

I went out on a couple of dates with a super nice guy years ago who was truly Super Nice. He was a gentleman, complimentary, funny & the conversation flowed but there was absolutely no chemistry. At the end of each date even though I had enjoyed myself thorougly I hoped he WOULDN’T ask me out again. Then when he’d call the next morning to tell me how much fun he had I would dread picking up the phone. That told me something.

Of course, now he and his wife and me & the hubby are the greatest of friends!

Nothing really new to say here, but add my name to the Mom/Luc/Bean column.

Unfortunately, I hear JAB on the “dread” thing. That’s not a good sign. Although my therapist might say that it was my fear of commitment. I guess there are always different sides to the same situation.

H,

I think we should call him the “Nice Guy”

Sounds like over-all you had a nice weekend.

Will you be having both Detroit Guy and Nice Guy at your party?

Hil’s mom…I can’t tell you how many times I heard the same thing (or sort of thing anyway) from MY mom. It’s been my experience that you don’t always know if the elusive “it” will be there right away, but after 3 or 4 dates, you know that it’s not.

I passed on a few “nice” guys I just didn’t feel the spark with, feeling a lot of inner turmoil and doubt, wondering if I was expecting too much. But I held out and found an amazing, kind, intelligent, sweet and funny man who also made me feel all squishy inside. He still does.

BTW…I am not the Erin of the nasty comments. I’m nice. and I love Hil’s blog!

Oh my head.

My Darling HIlary:

Touche!!!!!

When it rains it pours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Feast or Famine!!!!!! Lots of wonderful cliches.

GOod luck….it is quite exciting to date 2 guys!! Have fun with it and make no decisions just yet.

Love the advice, Luc. (is that male or female??)

Love, mom

I probably lean towards the “must have chemistry” side of the debate, but I would like to add that online dating is sort of an abstraction when it comes to developing a connection with someone: you can meet people “organically” and make friends and sometimes chemistry develops out of friendship, but when you meet people online specifically for dating, you are explicitly meeting people for dating and there’s little time or room for a friendship to develop. If there’s no instant chemistry, you move on to the next candidate. Ostensibly, we’re not using JDate (or any of the other services) to make new friends–it’s a site to match people romantically. And therefore, it’s hard to give potential candidates more than a date or two to see if anything develops, because you could be wasting your time (and theirs).

Just an opinion.

Good luck, Hilary!

Jenny’s got a job, a cat named Jake,
Thirty-one candles on her birthday cake next year.
Thought by now she’d have a man,
Two car seats and a minivan, but it still ain’t here.
Hey. All right.

Yeah, somethin’ gotta give me butterflies,
Somethin’ gotta make me feel alive.
Yeah, somethin’ gotta give me dreams at night,
Somethin’ gotta make me feel all right,
I don’t know where it is, yeah, but something’s gotta give.
Somethin’ gotta give. . .

— LeAnn Rimes

You can find the video on Count My Teeth (CMT, and maybe at cmt.com)

Hey, if the guy’s being nice, at least be honest with him. Maybe you have a friend for him, or he has a friend for you!

Mom, Luc is a delta male from Vancouver. Hil knows what he did last summer.