FAQ: This Jew and Christmas
Q. Have you bought your tree yet?
A. I don’t celebrate Christmas, I’m Jewish.
Q. But why don’t you have a tree? It’s a Pagan thing, not a religious thing.
A. Do you have a Menorah and light Hanukkah candles?
Q. What do you do on Christmas Eve?
A. Either a) Go to Stu and Lew; b) Go to a Jewish comedy thing at a Chinese restaurant [and meet a goy comic]; c) Go to my parents’ house for the weekend; or d) Stay home, watch all the Law & Order episodes saved on my Tivo, and enjoy a very quiet Los Angeles.
Q. What do you do on Christmas Day?
A. Either a) Go to or rent a movie; b) Go for Chinese food; c) Go to or rent a movie and go for Chinese food; d) Go to and rent a movie and go for Chinese food; or e) Any combination of a through d after helping serve Christmas dinner at a shelter/senior center/etc.
Q. Are you Scrooge?
A. Only when I’m forced to listen to Christmas music in a store/restaurant/public place and am wished a Merry Christmas for the 100th time. [ed. note: Please, please, please, wish people Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. Please.]
Q. Have you ever decorated a Christmas tree?
A. Yes, in fifth grade at Marian’s house–we even strung popcorn and put it on the tree. And earlier this week, at my office.
Q. Have you finished your Christmas shopping?
A. I don’t celebrate Christmas, remember?
Q. You mean you don’t get gifts on Christmas?
A. Um, do you get gifts on Hanukkah? [ed. note: Why is this one so difficult for some people to comprehend?]
I believe that covers the basics. Check back in the spring for FAQ: Matzah and the Easter Bunny.