To Any Married Person Who Claims To Miss Dating

This was an actual conversation:

Coworker: How was your date?
Me: It was fun…he was nice, just not for me.
Coworker: What’d you guys do?
Me: We went for Indian food.

Coworker: You go for Indian a lot on your dates. Remember the Jdate guy who was on Blind Date who you dropped off at his AA meeting?
Me: Who?
Coworker: The guy who was on Blind Date and he had a backpack.
Me: Wait, you’re confused. The guy I went for Indian food with I didn’t meet on Jdate–he wasn’t Jewish, remember? I met him at the comedy event at the Chinese restaurant on Christmas Eve and he was the only non-Jewish comic there. And, I dropped him off at the bus stop, not a meeting. And, it wasn’t AA, it was NA. The AA guy was the guy who was on Blind Date.

Coworker #2: Oh yeah. Now I remember. And he’s the one with the car door that wouldn’t open.
Me: No, the AA guy took the bus. The car door guy was the comic who sometimes shared a bed with his female roommate. And his door was busted so he told me I’d have to go in Dukes of Hazzard style.
Coworker: Then who’s the really tall guy?
Me: There are no really tall Jewish guys.
Coworker: Yes. The married one with the kid who brought you the t-shirt.
Me: No, wait, you’re confusing two people. There were two separated guys, and they both had the same name. But only one had a kid.

Coworker: Why didn’t you meet him?
Me: I did, he was the–
Coworker #2: –He was the who asked for marinara sauce at the Mexican restaurant. I remember. He was the tall one but he had issues.
Me: No, marinara sauce guy is not tall guy. The tall one was the one with the kid. And he had issues so we stopped talking then we met and he apparently liked me enough to have dinner and drinks and check out a record store, but not enough for a second date.

Coworker: And the other guy was the one who gave you the t-shirt.
Me: Yep.
Coworker #2: I thought he was married.
Me: No, he was separated. The married guy was the one whose wedding registry I found on the Internet.
Coworker: Hey, remember Margarita guy?
Me: Okay, you guys suck. Shut up and let me date in peace.

And next time any of you married people think you miss dating, please refer back to this post.

22 Comments »

Dave

November 14th, 2005 | 9:33 pm

Take it from a writer, you write very well. Incredibly amusing. I feel like my awful dating stories don’t compare.

Keith

November 14th, 2005 | 10:13 pm

Are you sure we’re not working in the same office? I swear I had this same conversation with a few of my co-workers last Friday.

VJ

November 15th, 2005 | 12:35 am

Yeah, that’s right– a record store. I’ll need to stock up on my Edison cylinders too. But seriously, I imagine that’s one of the faster ways to see if you’re compaitable with Mr. ‘X’. ‘OK what crazy music does he like…?’

I was trying to explain to a group of young black kids who Louie Armstrong was. (He was in their X-Mas package of songs for the holidays). They were clueless. Honestly, I really couldn’t date anyone who does not know (and appreciate) who Louie Armstrong was. So I’ve got one question for you Hil. How’s grandma looking? Cheers, ‘VJ’

elise

November 15th, 2005 | 3:52 am

Haha…that one made me laugh out loud!

hey Bethany, i booked my flights for the 15th - 5th. I’ll call you soon to make some plans…yay!

Erin

November 15th, 2005 | 6:58 am

This post made me pee a little…sorry for your pain, but you really do write well. ;) (Remember, everything is material. That’s what I always kept telling myself…)

Esther

November 15th, 2005 | 7:10 am

I love the last line, I chortled. I wanted to be the writer who told you that you wrote really well, but David got there first…

annabel lee

November 15th, 2005 | 7:19 am

Wow. See, this is why I don’t tell my coworkers about my dating life…

Nanette

November 15th, 2005 | 7:32 am

I agree - your writing is great! And I also agree, I’m sorry for your pain. At least you’re trying to get out there, though. I have single girlfriends who seem to just be waiting for Mr. Right to land on their doorstep.

ck

November 15th, 2005 | 7:42 am

Do NOT read this post while drinking milk. Just don’t do it. How the hell do I get all this milk off my keyboard and out of my nose? Damn you and your insane dating history superjux!!

mcaryeh

November 15th, 2005 | 8:15 am

My new favorite post of all time…very funny. And very well done!

Tamara

November 15th, 2005 | 9:29 am

HOLY CRAP! LOL Ok, so here I am all lonely and sad that I never date…but that’s bizzarro too. I don’t know which is worse, being jaded (or Jdated as I prefer to call it) by too many dates; or feeling like a spot on a wall with no dates. Just goes to show you….dating blows! Hey, there’s always our African guy:)

denise

November 15th, 2005 | 10:13 am

Excellent post. This cracked me up.

Hilary

November 15th, 2005 | 10:22 am

Okay, now that you’re all laughing, how about this: Find me a nice normal Jewish guy near me and I’ll make you a batch of cupcakes!

Rachel

November 15th, 2005 | 10:48 am

Similar: we were dating casually, when through a weird chain of events I discovered he got married to a girl he got pregnant WHILE WE WERE dating.

And my mom wonders why I have dating issues.

EB72

November 15th, 2005 | 12:22 pm

I used to think it was fun to share my dating stories during lunch … bad plan. Very bad plan. hee hee

First Date Chick

November 15th, 2005 | 12:35 pm

Thank you for the laugh. I love that the guy shares a bed with his fmeale roommate. =D

Mia

November 15th, 2005 | 1:43 pm

I couldn´t stop laughing as it reminded me a lot of my dating stories - and no, I am not missing dating for a second. Sometimes I try to remember the stories and most of them I can´t recall properly as well as I am sure that I forgot a lot of my bad but not spectacular-bad dates. At least you are writing them down and who know´s maybe you´ll publish a book and make a fortune…. Your writing is amazing!

Smoove D

November 15th, 2005 | 4:58 pm

I need a female roommate.

I found going on strike was a good plan. Buying a bottle of Gin for those times when the loneliness is overwhelming is far cheaper than buying dinner for crappy dates.

Stacey

November 15th, 2005 | 7:57 pm

I totally don’t miss single life after reading this. Hilary, after all the duds you’ve dated, Price Charming has got to be around the corner.

P.S. I empathize with the height issue. I prefer tall men and there just never were many in our religion. I always feel like an amazon in shul and I’m only 5′7″, but I guess that makes me a giant in Jew-terms.

PepGiraffe

November 16th, 2005 | 3:37 pm

See, now I feel *much* better about not dating all that much.

——Louie Armstrong. He was the first guy on the moon, right? Or maybe he was the guy that won the Tour de France seven straight times?

——Sometimes I like being evil. :)

VJ

November 17th, 2005 | 12:14 am

No damnit! Google it! 2 great, notable white guys do not add up to Louie Armstrong. I can hear Louie 30 years after he’s gone. Neil disappeared soon after 1969, and we all know Lance from the commercials. Louie is still IN commerical soundtracks and he was born in 1900. Lance will never be able to say that. And evil? Geez kid, you’d not break into the outer circle of hell until well after 30! Just a thought. Cheers, VJ’

Lynda K.

April 26th, 2007 | 12:57 pm

Wow! where have I been? I’m so glad you got the Envirosax bags (I’ve been stopped everytime I go to Trader Joe’s with them) but also because I just discovered your wonderful blog.
Thanks for your order and if you have a few minutes I’d love to have you submit your blog to our sister site, Delightfulblogs.com. I’ll waive the fee. Just email me.

best,
Lynda

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