Amen, sister. Very keen insights.

I understand, and I empathize. It can be very difficult to explain to people sometimes; some people find it hurtful to hear. But you have to do what feels right for you. And I feel the same way (which I’m sure comes as a great shock…).

This will probably overload your comments… but I summed up my feelings on a message board when someone asked me the same question. Here was my (lengthy) response:

It’s all well and good to say that you don’t care what faith you practice in your household and how the kids are raised, but when kids actually enter into the equation, it can easily turn bad. I’ve seen it happen in interfaith marriages where someone will say they are okay with raising the kids a different faith, but when they’re actually holding their son/daughter, little voices in their head start reminding them they won’t have the opportunity to pass on experiences to their children, and fights (internal or external) ensue. To not be able to pass along my own experiences to my potential children and to have beliefs in my own household that go so totally against the grain of what I hold just would not sit well with me at all. As a family friend said, “Watching my grandson get baptized and knowing he would not take part in family traditions was like getting my heart ripped out.”

Some may not agree, but I think that inertia is a powerful force in dating. You meet someone, you start hanging out because you like each other… so you start dating exclusively… and you see each other so much, why not move in together?… and then you hit that point where the next step is marriage, and you can either get married or break up, and it’s just easier and much less painful to get married, so you do. I don’t even want to tempt fate on that one, so I try not to go down that road at all. It’s just easier. It’s like dieting but having cookies in the house. If you say no and don’t buy the cookies at all, it’s much easier to fight off the temptation once than to say no every five minutes when they call you from the cupboard.

As far as conversion goes, converting to Judaism still doesn’t give someone the full background and experience of having grown up Jewish. It’s great that someone might be willing to learn the traditions and practice them, but they have a lot more significance when you’ve been brought up having done them. Plus, as I said, I may not be particularly religious given my sect of Judaism and my own personal practices, but I am more culturally Jewish, and you just can’t teach that kind of thing. It’s great to be Jewish “on paper,” but can you convert to Judaism and suddenly discover the wonders of a pastrami and corned beef on rye or the hilarity of Woody Allen? You can’t just stop being who you are and take on an entirely different background just because you’ve gone through some classes and a ceremony. I’ve lived in Los Angeles for over three years now, and despite being a taxpayer, registered voter and resident in the state of California for that whole time, my mannerisms and speech patterns and behavior clearly mark me as an East Coaster, since that’s where I was born and spent my formative years. I may be a full-fledged Californian “on paper,” but I will never really BE a Californian.

Next time someone asks me the same question, I will show them this post!

I’m not Jewish at all, but I totally understand where you are coming from with this one. I used to date a Jewish guy and part of the reason I broke it off was because he kept saying he didn’t care if his kids were raised in the way he was. I honestly didn’t want him resenting me later on down the road if we chose to get married and have kids and raise them with my family’s traditions (which aren’t Christian either, they’re just old fashioned commercialism) instead.

So I understand.

My standards were a bit lower. I just wanted a woman who shared my love of matzo ball soup. When she perfected the recipe for matzo brie I knew I couldn’t let this one go, shiksa or not

Good for you for knowing what you want and why! Only the most evolved of creatures stops to think things out this much.

Of course it would be nice to have a fling and not care about all the details, but as I’ve heard it said . . . you never know who you’ll fall in love with.

And since you know what kind of guy you want for the father of your children, it really is best to limit the playing field.

He’s out there.

Yesher koach!!! You said it perfectly. I totally agree with you. It adds such fulfillment to your life in the future. You can grow with someone along the path of Judaism. It’s just really nice.

I hope you find the Jewish man that fulfills your standards and then some.

Fucking jews.

I Dreamt I Was A Middle-Aged Fat Lady

If I forget thee, O Jerusalem,
let my right hand forget her cunning.
If I do not remember thee,
let my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth;
if I prefer not Jerusalem above my chief joy.
–Psalm 137.

I dreamt I was a middle-aged, fat lady
wearing Rhinestone studded sunglasses,
drank my coffee poolside with the girls,
left red-stained coffee cups, cigarette ends,

knew all the best places to shop, who
got divorced, jingled my bangles, the sun
tanned facelift tight, never felt the sudden
death of my right hand, my leaden tongue

thickening. Tasted the salty blood,
tried to tell my daughter, but could not,
the truth about her shaegetz, the mikveh.
So wrapped up in my own beauty,

never knew I was choking on Jerusalem,
gorgeous, golden nugget in my throat.

Dating a non-Jewish woman is equivalent to eating a pastrami on rye with MAYO. Just the wrong combination!

I have a feeling you might eventually regret your stance on this. You have only a tenuous connection to Judiasm, and yet, you are making assuptions that someone you dated wouldn’t be able to relate to your religion or culture and would constantly ask questions. Believe me, I have my dealbreakers too, but I have learned to give up on the ones that can be easily proven wrong. There may be someone out there who you might fall in love with, but you’re going to deny yourself that opportunity because HE MIGHT ASK YOU WHY YOU FAST ON YOM KIPPUR!?!?!?!?

It is hard enough to find someone sweet, nice and funny. I can understand being picky about certain things. But you have to look at what’s really behind this, or you might cheat yourself out of a great relationship.

Next time you come to NY, gimme a shout; we’ll hook up.

You say “As far as conversion goes, converting to Judaism still doesn’t give someone the full background and experience of having grown up Jewish.”

I still say you people are out of your minds. You’re going to reject someone because they didn’t light a menorah as a kid? There are a million other significant experiences you’ve had in your life. If you aren’t really religious, you’d better think seriously about this one. I think you are scared of your parents, and that’s it.

Let’s say you met someone who was half-Jewish but hadn’t done any traditions. Would you date that person? You would, wouldn’t you? Because that silly voice in your head would tell you he’s ‘ok’.

CD:

1. You quoted one of my commenters, not me.

2. As I said in my post, which you apparently did not read, my parents have NEVER pressured me to marry a Jewish guy. They have always told me and my sister that they will be happy as long as we are happy.

3. As the title of the post states, this is how I feel and how I choose to live. I’m not telling anyone what to do, so please respect my views and I’ll respect yours.

[...] ning using an old pair of running shoes and now my calves hurt. Dammit, I gotta toss them. Here’s a blog-post by a non-observant Jewish girl explaining why she only dates [...]

From a Christian young man, I’ll say I think your stance quite wise. Even if you’re not very observant now, there’s still a host of shared culture that you hold dear which any man who’d pair with you needs to understand. And there’s also the possibility that you may find your ‘religiousness’ growing over time, and find yourself ending up with a person who may have been fine with you fasting on Yom Kippur, but isn’t going to share life well with a more religious you. Choosing a man based in part on how you want to raise your children is not a bad component for a choice.

You hit the nail right on the head. For most of my life I have not been particularly observant (I’m 28 now and a little more observant, but not much). Recently I came to the realization that dating another Jew is so much, as you put it, easier. I’ve dated Christian/Catholic/Aethiest/Lutheran/etc. and for a long time I thought I would be limiting myself by not stepping outside of my own faith. Now that I’m a little older and friends and family my age are married and having kids, I’ve come to realize just how important those Jewish traditions are. I want my kids to go to Hebrew School and eat gefilte fish, I want them to ask the four questions at Passover, and I want them to be proud of it all. I don’t completely rule out dating a non-Jew open to conversion (I have three converts in my extended family, in fact) but in all honesty there is something with Jewish women that just….makes me feel good. We can argue the pros and cons all day, but what it comes down to is my preference. I’m attracted to all different kinds of women, but I have a special place in my heart for HaYehudot shelanu.

Let’s see, I came here from Derek Rose’s blog.
“For me, dating Jewish guys makes things, for lack of a better word, easier. I don’t have to explain why I fast on Yom Kippur,….”

It seems a little sad that you do not want to share your culture to someone who might genuinely like you. (wow you have active preview..neat!) I mean, explaining new things is hard? or maybe you personally have a complex about things you do? think about it. I am a hindu and we have enough festivals and dates that could be hard to explain to someone, but in the end one wants to be open.. I guess, c’est la vie

Jews and other religious groups with exclusive mating habits such as the Druze, high caste hindus are all undergoing a process of speciation - Askenazy jews have 10 (I believe) genetic diseases special to them. Speciation in higher mamals includes instincts towards speciation that grow stronger as the speciation develops - wait - nobody knows how many generations and presto dating with other humans will be bestiality! So the question to ask is: do your genes have a better chance to survive within the Jewish community or without? Perhaps you should hedge your bets?

Wow. I could TOTALLY relate to the people who said they were not religious but wanted a similiar background- to meet someone Jewish.

I noticed there are a few people knocking people for their beliefs on the board- come on people- do you all date men who are 5′1, or skinnier than you, more overweight or who make less money than you? You too I’m sure have your standards on what works- and you say to people you are giving up a perfectly good person because they are not Jewish?

Well, as others on the board have said- its about CONNECTION. To me, I don’t feel that connection (romantically)- with non-Jews. And for the record I have tried- and I also don’t feel that connection with very religious Jews either.

And the reality of it is that differences (religion or otherwise) can cause issues in marriage. Connection and compatability are important- and essential. And just like many on the board have said- I do know a handful of interfaith marriages- most have failed after a child was born- not to say that’s always the case, because certainly its not. But there is something to be said about connection.

And trust me, you think I want to have a smaller pool of potential dates? No. But I also have issues with dating someone who I am not emotionally or physically attracted to also- hence, my pool gets smaller and smaller! But, I do applaud and relate to those of you who can be honest about what you want and need. Because after all, I want to be happy- and if meeting a Jewish man is part of what I need to be happy- then so be it!

I am a secular non-Jew in a longterm relationship with an observant Jewish woman. Early on, I bought some books and learned more about Jewish history, traditions, and terms. I sometimes go with her to shul, and if I have any questions, I respectfully ask and she answers. I think part of why we “work” together is because we have a mutual respect for one another’s sense of self and traditions, be they personal, cultural, or religious. We have agreed that, if we eventually have kids, they will be raised Jewish. For us, the problem has been more with the outside Jewish community, some members of which insist that our relationship is inherently harmful because I don’t plan to convert. She continues to be active in the Jewish community and has told me that she appreciates discussing Judaism with me specifically because I have a different perspective. I understand and respect the fact that each individual has a different idea of who is an appropriate or desired partner; I also think it’s important to realize that non-Jews and Jews can and do have healthy, happy relationships that do not force the Jewish partner to compromise his or her Jewish identity.

Keith wrote, It’s great to be Jewish “on paper,” but can you convert to Judaism and suddenly discover the wonders of a pastrami and corned beef on rye or the hilarity of Woody Allen?

Keith, I assume you wrote this a bit in jest … or at least I hope you did! I am not Jewish, and don’t consider myself a particular aficionado of Jewish culture– but gosh, I love pastrami on rye and early Woody Allen (his recent stuff, not so much). Bagels, Matzah ball soup and a ton of Jewish comedians as well. If you really think you have to be Jewish to appreciate that stuff, you need to meet more Gentiles.

More importantly: is it really that important that the person you marry share your same taste in food or movies?

And would you ever date, say, an Australian or a Englishwoman who was pretty ignorant of American culture? Or is your identity as a Jew more important than your identity as an American?

Just asking…

I wish religion did not exist. If it didn’t that sense of community and camaraderie you describe in your post would include the entire human race, not just a relatively small group of people.