The other day I drove back from San Diego with my 24-year-old sister. Suddenly curious about Daylight Savings time, she asks me if we turn the clocks back at 2:00 or 3:00. Not trusting my answer of 2:00, she calls my dad who responds with “Yes, that means you get an extra hour to drink at the bars.” Who says dads don’t know their daughters?
According to a report by the Texas Transportation Institute, Angelenos spend about 90 hours a year in their cars sitting in traffic. I think I set a personal best tonight when it took me 60 minutes to go an entire 5 miles.
Used the new touch screen voting system. Pretty cool. Very simple. How long will it take before the computers all spazz and our votes don’t count?
Got four of the numbers ($102)! OK, so I have to share it with 24 of my co-workers, but still. Not too shabby!
1. E-mail
2. IMing at the office
3. Online shopping
4. MP3s
5. IMDB
6. Missed Connections on Craigslist
7. Being able to “Google” people
8. Finding out the so-called-wonderful-man I was seeing was actually engaged while I was seeing him.
9. Up-to-the-minute news and information
10. E-tickets
As if chocolate coated Oreos don’t have enough sugar and fat, you can now get fried Oreos at the State Fair of Texas. But don’t worry, if fried Oreas just don’t do it for you, there’s always fried candy bars or cheese curds. Say it with me–ewww.
Thought this was a great piece, originally from the LA Times:
By Roy Rivenburg
Times Staff Writer
September 9, 2003
Welcome to another useless edition of Recall Q&A, in which we answer the most common fake questions about California’s gubernatorial coup d’etat.
Question: Since acting ability is crucial to governing California, are there any other actors (and we use the term loosely) in the race besides Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gary Coleman and Mary Carey?
Answer: Yes. Cruz Bustamante once starred as Mr. Spacely on “The Jetsons,” Larry Flynt was the stunt double for Jabba the Hutt in “Star Wars” and Gray Davis played the long-lost brother of Niles and Frasier Crane on NBC’s sitcom “Frasier,” according to theblob.blogspot.com and Jay Leno. Also, Grandpa Simpson on “The Simpsons” was modeled after Peter Ueberroth.
Question: Is it true the recall is part of a right-wing conspiracy to undermine democracy and steal the election?
Answer: Yes and, at last count, roughly 60% of California voters were in on the plot. However, many of them joined against their will. The only way to protect yourself is by avoiding direct eye contact with that big blue ring Schwarzenegger has been wearing. Repeat: Do NOT stare into the ring. It has hypnotic powers.
Question: Should voters be worried that Bustamante, a former member of MEChA, refuses to renounce the group’s goal of returning California to Mexico?
Answer: Oh, c’mon. Nobody seriously thinks Bustamante wants to give California back to Mexico. It’s far more likely he’d hand the state over to the Indian tribes that have been dumping millions into his campaign coffers.
Question: I’m having some trouble keeping up with the onslaught of newspaper opinion columns about the recall. Any tips?
Answer: Most political columnists ran out of original things to say a week after the recall began. Some are now recycling attack columns from 1978 and 1980, replacing the words “Proposition 13″ and “Ronald Reagan” with “recall” and “Arnold Schwarzenegger,” respectively. So far, the public hasn’t caught on, even though one careless writer recently lambasted Proposition 13 for “chickening out of a televised debate with the other propositions.”
To save you the trouble of reading additional columns, here is a handy summary of their major themes:
• Attack Schwarzenegger for not taking a position on the issues or, when he does take a position, attack that.
• Tweak the Terminator for agreeing to just one candidate debate while conveniently not mentioning that Davis did the same thing when running against Bill Simon last November.
• Criticize Schwarzenegger for having no political experience. Or, for a change of pace, criticize him for being just like every other politician.
If any reader of this newspaper spots an opinion column that breaks the pattern (i.e., the writer praises Schwarzenegger), be the first to e-mail us and you can choose a gift from our box of prizes.
Question: Is the recall bad for California?
Answer: Not at all. If anything, the law should be expanded to allow recalls of other public figures, such as the people responsible for the movie “Gigli.”
Question: What is the recall weather forecast?
Answer: An unstable hot air mass (Gray Davis) will continue to linger over the state, creating sporadic bursts of pandering. Schwarzenegger will remain cloudy on the issues. Conditions are expected to persist until Oct. 7.
Late-night blotter
“Gray Davis and his campaign team have come up with a strategy to make sure the recall is defeated. They’re going to have Davis come out and endorse it.” (Jay Leno)
We’re closing in on Yom Kippur, and I’m ready to atone! Fortunately for us Jews, we throw bread crumbs in the ocean, spend some time in synagogue, and fast for 24 hours and God forgives us for any sins we may have commited this year. Can it get any easier? So, in my annual “please forgive me” campaign:
I am sorry if I second-guessed you. If I forgot to say please or thank you. If a gesture went under-appreciated. If I stretched the truth a little. And lastly, if I hurt, offended, or wronged you in any way.
Shana Tovah!
We all know Detroit came soooo close to tying the major league record for most losses in a single season. Now is their chance to redeem themselves. Check out ESPN’s Page 2 Poll and vote on who has the better uniform–the Cardinals or the Tigers.
Playfully jealous of his wife being kissed on the hand by Jacques Chirac, the President penned the First Lady a poem:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Oh my, lump in the bed
How I’ve missed you.
Roses are redder
Bluer am I
Seeing you kissed by that charming French guy.
The dogs and the cat, they missed you too
Barney’s still mad you dropped him, he ate your shoe
The distance, my dear, has been such a barrier
Next time you want an adventure, just land on a carrier.
How umm…romantic.
From Friday to Monday, I received six taped phone calls urging me to “vote no” on the recall. Just who did the Democratic party get to record taped messages? Let me see. Over the weekend I heard from Barbra Streisand, Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Sharon Davis to name a few. Then ironically, on the holiest of Jewish holidays, Joe Lieberman. Go figure.
Saw Intolerable Cruelty tonight. Eh. George Clooney was nice to look at, but other than that, the movie was just so-so in my opinion. Sorry, not a huge Coen brothers fan. Start sending the hate mail.
When I left for the screening of Intolerable Cruelty, Gray Davis was Governor of my lovely state. Two hours and a sore neck later, Arnold is now Governor. It’s like I never even left the theater.
Upon receiving an award at the Golden Globes last January, U2’s Bono exclaimed “this is really, really, f—— brilliant.” Did you know that Bono’s colorful language was not in violation of federal indecency rules? According to the FCC, the word “may be crude and offensive, but, in the context presented here, did not describe sexual or excretory organs or activities.” So, because it didn’t describe anything sexual, it was alright to say on TV. Who knew?
Arnold really is our Governor. And Gary Coleman actually got 12,683 votes. Truly amazing.
Contract negotiations between United Food and Commercial Workers Local 770 members and Kroger Co.’s Ralphs, Safeway Inc.’s Vons and Albertsons Inc. ended Sunday with no resoluation. Union members say that the latest contract offer would force them to take big cuts in health and pension benefits. If they do strike, does this mean I have to ditch Ralphs and start shopping at Gelsons? I’ll be broke in no time…
Finally, our $20 bill has some color on it. In case you want to know more about our redesigned currency, check out the U.S. Bureau of Engraving and Printing’s Interactive $20 Bill. Is it just me, or does their site seem to be shouting “In case you want to make a counterfeit bill, here’s all the details!”?
Heard of “Jewxploitation?” Well, you soon will. I was introduced to the term tonight during a Q&A with the writer/director, producer, and stars (including Adam Goldberg) following a screening of the film, The Hebrew Hammer.
The premise is simple: Santa’s evil son Damian (Andy Dick) is trying to eradicate Hanukkah. The Hebrew Hammer/Mordechai Jefferson Carver (Adam Goldberg), a superhero-detective, is helping to save it. The movie also stars Judy Greer, Sean Whalen, Mario Van Peebles, Peter Coyote, Tony Cox, and Nora Dunn. Rachel Dratch has a small part and Ed Koch has a cameo.
If you’re Jewish, you’ll either love it or hate it. (I thoroughly enjoyed it.) If you’re not Jewish, there’s a good chance you won’t get many of the jokes.
The film will air on Comedy Central twice in November, then have its theatrical release during Hanukkah. Go see it!
Update: The movie will air on Comedy Central beginning December 8 and has a limited release date of December 19 (the first night of Hanukkah).
Saw the French Masters exhibit (mostly French impressionists from the State Pushkin Museum in Moscow) at LACMA tonight. Great pieces, definitely check it out this weekend before it leaves.
Went to Oktoberfest in Alpine Village last night with some friends. Lots of stumbling drunkards doing the chicken dance–who knew the chicken dance was a German thing? The beerfest wasn’t terribly exciting, and kinda reminded me of going to my college boyfriend’s fraternity parties (minus the chicken dance), except this time we had to pay for the beer.
Just got back from a very crowded Trader Joe’s. It seems everyone is avoiding crossing the picket lines. That means driving past Rock and Roll Ralphs and heading to TJ’s instead. Rightfully so. Not only are their employees not striking, they are happy and helpful. Love that place!
Over the weekend, someone tried to burn down the synagogue my parents belong to. Doesn’t sound like a hate crime, and the arsonist may be in the running for a spot on America’s Dumbest Criminals.
It’s day number two of the grocers union strike and today I visited Gelson’s. Their parking lot was just as crazy as Trader Joe’s. And by the way, their deli has the best turkey meatballs. Yum!
In Other Strike Related News…
The Metropolitan Transportation Authority (MTA) mechanics union is planning to strike at midnight because an agreement wasn’t reached regarding the union members’ health fund. Basically, the MTA wants union members to contribute more while union members want the MTA to contribute the additional money. What it means for now–more traffic. People who take the bus or subway (allegedly, people here do use the subway, who knew?) instead of a car will now be joining the masses on the freeways and streets. Just what LA needs–more cars on the road.
Quote of the Week
I’m sure I’m not the only one who thinks Newlyweds is one of the funniest/saddest shows on television. Talking on the phone to a friend about turning 23-years-old “…which is like almost 25, which is practically in the mid-20s.” Twenty-three is almost 25? And 25 is practically in the mid-20s? Someone please explain to me how Nick can stand being married to this woman.
Driving the five mile (yet somehow today 45 minute commute) from my office to my apartment, I observed:
· picketers at Pavilions
· picketers (with a barbeque) at the MTA building
· a man being arrested in front of Whole Foods
· idiot drivers not pulling over to the right to allow three fire trucks to go down the street
At least I can’t complain I live in a boring city.
Security escorted him to safety with a jacket covering his face then provided him with a change of clothing to leave in. Yet his picture and name are plastered all over the Internet, in newspapers, and on TV. This is one guy you definitely don’t want to be.
Two hundred sixty-two sheriff’s deputies called in sick today. Guess why. The deputies have been working without a contact since January. Hmm, sound familiar? Their union has asked for 3 percent raises and want the county to help out with increasing health insurance costs. I’m beginning to see a trend here…
It really hit me tonight while sitting in my book club meeting. Our pre-discussion discussion focused on Weight Watchers, engagement stories, wedding planning, children, and online dating (and the married women’s fascination with it). I guess growing up was bound to happen sometime…
Since I’m tall for a woman (5′9″), should I be expecting a pay increase sometime soon? According to this Reuters article, perhaps I should.
MIAMI (Reuters) - Tall people earn considerably more money throughout their lives than their shorter co-workers, with each inch adding about $789 a year in pay, according to a new study.
“Height matters for career success,” said Timothy Judge, a University of Florida management professor whose research will appear in the spring issue of the Journal of Applied Psychology.
“These findings are troubling in that, with a few exceptions such as professional basketball, no one could argue that height is an essential ability required for job performance nor a bona fide occupational qualification.”
Judge and Daniel Cable, a business professor at the University of North Carolina at Chapel-Hill, analyzed results of four large-scale studies in the United States and Britain that followed thousands of participants from childhood to adulthood, examining details of their work and personal lives.
The study, released Thursday, was controlled for gender, weight and age, and found that each inch in height added about $789 a year in pay.
“If you take this over the course of a 30-year career and compound it, we’re talking about literally hundreds of thousands of dollars of earnings advantage that a tall person enjoys,” Judge said.
Greater height boosted subjective ratings of work performance, including supervisors’ evaluations of how effective someone is on the job, and also raised objective measures of performance, such as sales volume, he said.
The relationship between height and earnings was particularly strong in sales and management but was also present in less social occupations such as engineering, accounting and computer programming, the study found.
For those of you not living in Los Angeles, you’ve probably heard a little about our grocer’s strike. What you haven’t heard is how Trader Joe’s (the best non-striking store in the neighborhood) shelves are practically empty. Their bread isle–bare. Even the bland blueberry-bran muffins–all gone. Fortunately, when I got there they were restocking the fruits and veggies. Until now, I never realized how much I take shopping in a supermarket for granted.
Saw a sketch show called Suffer the Children at Second City on Saturday night. Great show, I highly recommend it. I think next Saturday is their last performance, so try check it out!
Unbeknownst to me, today was AIDS Walk LA. Took me 30 minutes to go the one mile to my sister’s place. And, since Beverly is closed to traffic, most of the cool brunch places were closed. I guess I can’t complain, as it is for a good cause. Anyway, we finally made it to the Farmers Market where we had delicious crepes. Not as good as Paris, but still yummy.
SYDNEY (Reuters) - An Australian woman got the shock of her life when she gave birth to a healthy baby boy just three hours after learning she had been pregnant for nine months.
Carolyn Hounsell, 27, went to her doctor with stomach pains and was admitted to hospital, The Daily Telegraph reported on Saturday. A few hours later, the care worker said she got “a very big shock” when she delivered a 3.6 kilogram boy.
“I’d had some indigestion,” Hounsell said, according to the newspaper.
“They sent me off for an ultrasound, which told them I was at 37 weeks. The cramping I’d had were contractions,” she said.
Hounsell had tried unsuccessfully to conceive in the past.
Her husband Dennis Ross, 44, had been told he could not father children after a car accident two-and-a-half years earlier.
“He’s a good size. It makes you wonder where I could hide it. My boss was very surprised but not quite as surprised as I was,” Hounsell was quoted as saying.
Uh, ok.
1. “I love you” is a sentiment best expressed:
a) on a mix tape.
b) when drunk.
c) with the words I love you.
d) after the other person says it.
2. Commitment-phobic male : grown woman ::
a) catnip : cat (irresistible mood-altering drug)
b) kryptonite : Superman (ultimate weakening agent)
c) politically connected corporate defrauder : lame duck president (wrongdoer most likely to be pardoned)
d) all of the above
3. The preferred way to refer to an ex is:
a) not to refer to him/her at all.
b) by his/her first name.
c) by the phrase “that %#&^%.”
d) by the name of a film starring the unattractive actor he/she resembles most. (Example: “I can’t believe I used to date Moscow on the Hudson. What was I thinking?”)
4. Complete the following statement: Thank heaven for little boys …
a) … they grow up in the most delightful way.
b) … they look so jazzy in those Gap Kids ads.
c) … without them, where would Little League be?
d) … they grow up just enough to torture us with their indecision. Thanks a lot.
5. The best way to get answers to the above questions is:
a) ask your mom.
b) Friendster.
c) trial and error.
d) read Deanna Kizis’s delightful debut novel, How to Meet Cute Boys.
Answer key: D’s down the line.
As if you couldn’t figure that out, smarty-pants.
No, this wasn’t intended as a plug for the book. Just thought it was a cute “quiz.”
Those of you who share in my sick fascination of Newlyweds on MTV will appreciate this:
SAN DIEGO - Pop star Jessica Simpson (news) said she won’t be confusing tuna and chicken any time soon, especially after dropping in on a Chicken of the Sea company staff meeting.
On a recent episode of her MTV reality show “Newlyweds,” Simpson didn’t know if she was having chicken or fish while she was eating “Chicken of the Sea” tuna. Company officials heard about the gaffe and aimed to set Simpson straight.
“We wanted to bring her down and make sure she understood the difference, and told her the story of how the brand name originated,” Chicken of the Sea senior vice president of marketing Don George said Monday. He said he would love to talk with Simpson about her becoming a company spokeswoman.
Simpson said she’s good-natured about the flak she’s received for the mistake, as well as for other mix-ups on the show — like thinking buffalo wings are made of buffalo meat.
“I think it’s fun. I’ve made a mess up on national television and everyone has been giving me a hard time about it, but it’s better just to sit back and laugh at yourself,” she said. “I do have my ditzy moments.”
This season’s Joe is actually David Smith, a 25-year-old trailer-living-rodeo-cowboy from Texas with an annual income of $11,000. The 14 unsuspecting women are from Europe and have allegedly never seen or heard of the original Joe Millionaire. So, while Paul (the butler) is teaching David the capitals of the women’s homelands, David makes this brilliant comment:
David: “Where is Dutch again?
Paul: “Holland.”
David: “Holland! That’s where they wear the wooden shoes!”
Can’t wait to see what dirt The Smoking Gun will find on this guy.
Saw a show at the Knitting Factory called Mortified. Twenty- and thirty-somethings go on stage and read actual diary or journal entries, poems, letters, and sing songs or perform raps written when they were teenagers. Absolutely hysterical, I was laughing the entire time. A must see!
After last season’s success of Surreal Life, the television viewing public is being subjected to another couple months of watching B-list celebs living together in the Hollywood Hills. This season’s cast includes: porn star Ron Jeremy (ewww); ex-wife of televangelist Jim Bakker, Tammy Faye; former Bay Watch star Traci Bingham; rapper (is that we refer to him as?) Vanilla Ice; CHiPs star Erik Estrada; and former Real World-er Trishelle.
With the supermarket strike well underway, I can say I am one of many Californians suffering from “shopper fatigue.” Just this week, I had to visit three different stores in my search for Diet Coke. I even broke down and bought Diet Pepsi. That’s rough. Here’s to hoping this strike is settled soon!
Saw The Graduate last night at the Wilshire Theater. Great performances by Jerry Hall as Mrs. Robinson and Rider Strong (yep, the kid from Boy Meets World) as Benjamin. I swear the play ended differently than the movie, but I could wrong. Either way, two thumbs up!
As Californians often say, we don’t have winter, spring, summer and fall. Instead we have fires, earthquakes, floods and riots. And right now, it is most definitely fire season. The way too hot temperatures combined with the strong Santa Ana winds are providing fuel for the numerous fires throughout southern California. Very frightening.
From datelinehollywood.com
JUDGE GRANTS NICK LACHEY PRE-EMPTIVE DIVORCE
HOLLYWOOD — After watching the entire first season of MTV’s “Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica,â€? Los Angeles Superior Court Justice Clifford Turner has granted a pre-emptive divorce to Nick Lachey from his wife, Jessica Simpson.
The ruling is believed to be the first time that a court has ever approved a divorce before either married party files in court.
“I was visiting my daughter and she explained that she had an entire season of this show on her TiVO that I just had to see,� Justice Turner explained. “After watching the details of Mr. Lachey and Ms. Simpson’s married life, I felt that out of a basic respect for human rights, I had to get Nick out of there.�
He added, “This is the slow season for divorces anyway, so I figured I might as well get some inevitable future work out of the way now.�
According to legal experts, Justice Turner’s decision, while groundbreaking, makes perfect sense, as the first season of “Newlyweds� has all the elements of a successful divorce case on the rarely cited grounds of “irreconcilable intellects.�
“I don’t know if those producers have experience in divorce law, but this season was the most brilliant plaintiff’s presentation I’ve ever seen,� said Sander Abelson, a professor of law at Washington University. “The episode where she brought her Louis Vitton bag camping would cinch it for any judge in his or her right mind.�
Abelson added that a montage of quotes from Simpson, including her inquiry as to whether Chicken of the Sea is fish or chicken, her purchase of two bras and two panties for $750 without looking at the price tags, and her assertion upon being served buffalo wings that “I don’t eat buffalo� would surely win Lachey control of the vast majority of the couple’s assets as well as generous alimony.
The law for “irreconcilable intellects� states that a couple must be of such disparate intelligences that they are literally incapable of understanding each other’s decisions. Kenneth Tyre, a psychologist and expert on intelligence, said that the law has previously only been utilized once before, in the case of a Nobel laureate married to someone who received severe brain trauma in a car accident, but that Lachey and Simpson were a perfect fit for the statute.
“It’s not that Nick’s exactly a genius,� observed Tyre. “We’re talking about a guy who moved heavy furniture into his house over a ladder and who, more fundamentally, chose to marry Jessica Simpson and air their marriage on national television. But research shows people judge intelligence based on comparisons to those around them, which is why Nick Lachey has already been offered admittance to Mensa.�
An MTV representative declined to comment on the judge’s ruling, but said to look out for an unspecified show the network will be producing next year in conjunction with Court TV.
Love it!
I give up. I’d have to post the entire show. What a dork. Two nights a week of this? Two nights too many. Sorry FOX. You had me last season, but you’ve lost me now. That’s OK, I should be spending less time in front of the TV anyway…
Everyone’s favorite-to-pick-on-news-channel, NBC4, not only reported, but made the news yesterday. Why? Because reporter Chuck Henry and cameraman Christopher Lee had to be rescued by firefighters just after reporting on a fire. Apparently, the fire shifted direction and came toward them. Or hmm, I don’t know, perhaps they were too close to the fire? Because of the thick smoke, their news van wouldn’t start and firefighters had to pull them to safety. The van later burned.
You know Paul Moyer is thanking God it wasn’t him. Way to go Channel 4!
As part of our elementary school curriculum, San Diego sixth-graders attend a one week outdoor education program commonly referred to as sixth grade camp. It’s a fun week of hiking, nature, arts and crafts, etc. Like most San Diego schools, my sixth-grade class went to Cuyamaca, a beautiful area in the mountains just east of San Diego. Sadly, because of the horrible fires, the town of Cuyamaca was destroyed.
OK, I’m a little excited. Forgive me.
Earlier today, the grocery clerks’ union announced they will be pulling picketers from Ralphs picket lines and placing them at Vons stores and distribution centers instead. Why? Well, the union says they are “rewarding” shoppers for not crossing picket lines. My theory–the union realized shoppers are getting tired of going to multiple stores and are beginning to cross picket lines anyway.
Whatever the reason, I’m just happy to be able to buy Tina’s Burritos again.
I’m going to the West Hollywood Halloween Carnaval tonight. Can’t wait!
Yep, of course. It rained. In LA. On Halloween. When I was supposed to go to the amazing West Hollywood parade. How much does that suck? We were all in costume, went for dinner, walked out of the restaurant and it’s pouring. It never rains in LA. It barely even drizzles. So why, on all nights, does it have to rain on Halloween? I have to admit, I’m disappointed. I was really looking forward to the parade!
So…what does this rain mean to LA? It means it’s mudslide time. Lovely isn’t it? From fires to mudslides. What’s next? Dare I ask?
